Toilet Humor - 257
Hal Wastes His Wages
May 20, 2008

While "studying" abroad I used to spend an awful lot of time at this pub on "da' Naahrtsoyide" of Dublin called The Cat & Cage, where there hung an ornately decorated pub sign featuring a mischievous looking cat lurking about a birdcage. In fitting with the theme, the men's and ladies room were indicated with a picture of a rooster and a kitten, respectively. Kind of vulgar if you truly think about it, but it was done in such a charming way that no one really seemed to take offense.

I bring this up because last week, after well over a decade of service, the "Men" and "Women"* signs adorning the restrooms at Duffy's, where I tend bar, were removed and destroyed in a random act of senseless vandalism. It would have been one thing if they were simply stolen as mementos or put to good use on the door of a rival sorority/fraternity as part of some whacky pledge gag. But after finding the signs' shattered remains coldly discarded upon the floor, we were left to ask the inevitable, painful question--why? These steadfast beacons stood long and proud, guiding visitors in their time of need, and we will miss them dearly. I mean, what sort of twisted son-of-a-bitch just rips the sign off a bathroom for sport? Who the $*@% DOES that???

Sorry… I promised myself I wouldn't get too emotional, but I'd spent years working side-by-side with those signs. When people would come in and ask, "Hey, where's your men's room," all I had to do was point and the signs would take it from there. I never truly appreciated them when they were there, standing their posts with quiet dignity. But goddamnit, I miss them now, those magnificent bastards--and to simply replace the signs with new ones would quite frankly dishonor their memory.

Thus, in an effort to make the most out of our tragic loss, we've called upon our devoted regulars (and anyone else who might actually read this column) to help us select a fitting substitute. And while we're certainly looking for creativity, we can’t skew TOO uncouth (my Mom sometimes drinks there when she comes to visit). We want something quaint, yet effective in conveying which facility is meant for which gender.  Sure, there are the old standbys, such as His/Hers, Lords/Ladies, Jacks/Jills, Bonnies/Clydes, Sits/Stands-- but we can do better than that. We need something that fits the décor (think Moe's Tavern, minus the pickled eggs), something that's subtle yet genius, something that's outstanding without standing out.

Proposals, including any artwork (remember--we can't go too vulgar) can be submitted to chris@chrishalleron.com, and credit will be given where credit is due. Here's probably your one chance in life to be immortalized on a pub's bathroom door--if only until the next toolbag comes along and steals the sign.
Thank you in advance for your participation, and may the strong and simple spirit of our former restroom signs never be forgotten. They were there for you, will you be there for them???

*For the record, Duffy's DOES in fact have a Women's Room, in case you've ever actually been there and wondered why…

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Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com

Christopher M Halleron owns and retains all proprietary rights to the Site and the content provided by the Site. The Site contains material, including links and compilations of individual data, trademarks, and other proprietary information of chrishalleron.com.  Except for that information which is in the public domain or for which you have been given written permission to use, you may not copy, modify, publish, transmit, distribute, perform, display, or sell any such proprietary information.  Any questions or comments, please contact Chris Halleron at chris@chrishalleron.com.

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