Mommy Drinks Because You Cry - 250
Hal Wastes His Wages
February 11, 2008

Nice work, New York Times--but I've been covering the stroller beat for years now. Nevertheless, a February 10 article by Alex Williams was a decent attempt by "The Grey Lady" to get Gotham up to speed on the roving menace of stroller pushin' mamas.

Of course I was perturbed, considering my charge-leading diatribes on the matter. While Williams was quick to cite various Borough bloggers bemoaning the bewildering blight of "Baby Blazers," there was no mention of me, a fearless crusader enduring threats of violence and putting his very shins on the line in an effort to preach responsible stroller etiquette. But no matter--much like Hillary Rodham Clinton I'm not in it for me, I'm all about the message.

Adding to its resonance as being a topic dear to me, the Times piece discussed the decorum of strollers and their contents (a.k.a. children) in the bar setting. This may surprise some readers, but I, for one, am not universally opposed to children in a bar. Parents need to get out and maintain a connection with their friends, and children are people too. However, having seen a drunken post-partum mama breastfeed her infant child while chugging a pint of cider at midnight on a Friday as she sat in front of completely mystified strangers at a crowded bar, I can see a need for some limitations. (Absolutely $*@%!^& true story; Mommy pulled up to the bar and BAM--she began to feed little junior right there in front of everyone. After a long discussion as to whether junior was drinking “from the tap” or “straight out of the can,” we decided not to charge him a corkage fee.)

Neither the City of Hoboken nor the State of New Jersey has any law regarding the admission of a child to a licensed establishment. Provided they’re not served alcohol, it’s simply left to the establishment and/or common sense. But I don’t work at Applebee’s, Houlihan’s, Tchotchke’s or some other cookie-cutter family-themed corporate “Wal-Mart Lounge.” I work a neighborhood pub, where people drink, play darts, watch sports and curse at the TV. In the past, a thick, acrid fog would deter but the densest of parents from dragging their wee ones into an adult place like that. But now that the smoke has lifted, it seems perfectly normal in the minds of some to bring a baby into that environment.

As for the strollers, they're another issue. More than a few bar patrons are rather intent on fleeing that very scene at home, so walking into a bar full of Bugaboos could send them immediately running to the next joint down the road. Meanwhile, the last thing staff needs to deal with is the clutter that strollers and their contents ultimately bring with them. Bar patrons are a lot like children--give them one more thing to trip over and they'll end up doing it.

The issue of strollers and children in bars is one that is and should ultimately remain up to the bar owner. But that's not to say there's no room for Mom at the bar. For the past few weeks the wholesome, family-friendly folks at Duffy's (239 Bloomfield), a notorious "sausage bar," have been running the ironic and tastefully titled "M.I.L.F. Night--Mom's Into Lots of Fun." Part of the lure in bringing the stroller out is to attract like-minded Moms talk baby crap (sometimes literally). Well it turns out the Monday night bartender has a few kids at home and has no problem chatting the night away about breastfeeding, diapers, immunizations and the other various joys of motherhood. Drink specials include $5 Cosmos and Appletinis, $4 Mimosas and Bellinis, and for the M.I.L.F.-to-be, $3 O'Doul's. In return, all that's asked is to leave the kids home with Dad. Monday Night Football season is over, and it's his turn anyhow. That way mommy can get her drink on and not worry about getting a S.U.I. (Strolling Under the Influence--a.k.a. Britney's Law).

Hal, you waffling candy-ass--why are you suddenly turning so soft on moms?

First off, I never had a gripe with moms, only the snotty ones (I'm talking to you, "L.A."...). And secondly, I have my reasons--Karma can be a bitch (or a bastard, I'll let you know…).

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Christopher M. Halleron, freelance writer/bitter bartender, writes a biweekly humor column for The Hudson Current and websites in the New York Metro area. He spends a lot of his time either in front of or behind the bar in Hoboken, New Jersey where his tolerance for liquor grows stronger as his tolerance for society is eroded on a daily basis. Feel free to drop him a line at c_halleron@yahoo.com.

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