A Chip Off Ye Olde Bloc - 237
Metro (NY, BOS, PHI)
August 17, 2007

Sure, as Americans we can all bask in the warm glow of victory following Joey Chestnut’s heroic hot dogging this past 4^th of July, but I wouldn’t rest on our laurels too much. For one thing, as the fattest nation on the planet we’ll likely crush our laurels. But more importantly, mind-blowing, belt-busting advancements in the snacking technology worldwide show a narrowing of the gap between the thighs of our global contemporaries. And those leading the charge of the not-so-light brigade come most noticeably from the guts of the once weighty British Empire.

The United States sits firmly on top of the heap with 30.6 percent of its citizens clinically obese according to NationMaster.com. But our neighbors to the north are putting a bit of a bow into that bunk-bed we call the 49th parallel, as Canada comes in at 14.3 percent. With Bob and Doug Mackenzie grabbing bags of Humpty Dumpty Creamy Dill or Ketchup chips on the way home from the Beer Store, soon they’ll be breaking the slats.

Meanwhile formerly famished Ireland is fattening up, with 13 percent of the Irish coming across as extra “paddy.” It appears they needn’t worry about the blight anymore, since now their Taytos come in Cheese and Onion flavo[u]r. And if that’s not enough, nothing covers whiskey breath like a bag full of Scampi Fries.

Good luck going on walkabout, Australia, as a staggering 21.7 percent of Matildas are waltzing in overweight. While their neighbors fatten up on Chicken Twisties and Burger Rings, New Zealanders might want to switch to Kiwi fruit, since they’re nipping at Australia’s fat ankles with 20.9 percent.

Of course at the helm of the HMS Adipose, Britannia rules the waves with 23 percent of Britons displacing more water than they should. Crossing the stiff upper lips atop their multiple chins are various flavo[u]rs of Walkers brand potato crisps. The mad scientists at Walkers have developed Wonka-like technology, creating such evil essence as BBQ Rib, Smoky Bacon, Lamb and Mint, Steak and Onion, and Roast Chicken. I’ll say that again—they have a potato chip that tastes like a roast chicken.

With crudité replacing Cheese Doodles and McDonald’s putting apples in Happy Meals, how are Americans expected to maintain their Manifest Density? We need to fight these modern-day Oppenheimers of the snacking world and keep pace with the international build up. Remember America, you can’t spell diet without DIE. Eat up and defend our Land of the Frito, Home of the Lays.

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