Want Credit? Carry Cash! - 231
Hal Wastes His Wages
June 5, 2007

Oh, don’t worry—I’m fully aware of how much I’m beginning to sound like a particularly pedantic Andy Rooney week after week. But as a columnist, it’s my duty to incessantly whine and gripe about society’s annoying little foibles; that’s why I make the big-bucks. The fact that I’m able to do it in print may actually be what has kept my inner Dr. David Banner from turning green, at least most of the time.

But here’s something that makes me angry, and you won’t like me when I’m angry…

Do people really see the need to put a bottle of Poland Spring on their plastic?

I get a kick out of those credit card ads where everything is moving along ever-so smoothly at and assembly line pace until some clod gums up the works by paying cash. Everyone stops and stares at him as though he were attempting to barter in wampum, but once the lonely Luddite moves on, the machine keeps on keepin’ on as the busy world thrives via electronic commerce. It’s a lovely theory, but in practice it couldn’t be less accurate.

There used to be a time when a clerk would ring up your item, tell you the price, you’d hand him/her the closest cash equivalent you had on you and he/she would hand you the change. Personally, I don’t see that as being too arduous, especially if it’s for a simple item like a bottle of water. But now that trivial transaction takes on a whole new dynamic as the consumer does the dance between debit and credit, then waits for the machine to run it through. Of course the machine is down, or the consumer swiped the card the wrong way, or Beavis behind the counter has never used this machine before and the manager needs to come in on this one. Meanwhile the consumer next in line is beginning to simmer, as he just wanted a box of Tic-Tacs and has the dollar bill in hand.

As is the case with most of my pet-peeves, this one stems from my time behind the bar. I’ll get customers who come in trying to put one shot of kamikaze on their credit card, then close it out. Invariably, it’s some dizzy little ditz fresh out of Tri-Delt who was “reached” by that other ad where blondie paints the town red on her plastic as the “Mary Tyler Moore Show” theme assures her she’s “gonna make it after all.” Of course the fact that she’s skittishly putting one shot on a credit card means she isn’t making much. But once that shot hits her system she has not problem ordering another one, and another one, and another one—she just wants to close her tab each time. There is a reason most bars have a minimum for credit card transactions. In addition to service charges incurred by each transaction, running credit cards over and over also eats up valuable time, thus taking me away from more efficient customers, ones who will probably tip more.

Here’s a simple rule of thumb: if you’re going to use you credit card on a purchase under $10, expect the person behind the counter to resent you while everyone else in line behind you thinks you’re an oblivious ass. Is it really that hard to carry $10 on you?

Stay tuned next time when I wax belligerent about the amount of trees killed each year for receipts—do I really need a 9 inch long piece of paper to prove to the world that I bought a box of Citrus Twist Tic-Tacs?

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