Who the Hell is Carol Anyway? - 212
Hal Wastes His Wages!
December 19, 2006

I was uncharacteristically playing Christmas music the other day at the bar—I say uncharacteristically because it’s not really in my nature to play Christmas music. I’m no Scrooge; I enjoy the holiday of Christmas as much as any other good little Catholic boy, but the whole seasonal build up is a bit nauseating for me. I prefer my holidays to be a bit more…I don’t know…subtle.

Nevertheless, I was playing Christmas music. In my defense, it was Frank and Bing, so it was certainly bearable. Not nearly as difficult as the Air Supply Christmas Album I got my friend as a gag gift (what’s sad about that is in giving that gift I actually made another friend jealous—I have more than one heterosexual male friend who has seen Air Supply live in concert in the past 3 months, and they both have t-shirts to prove it). My friend Paul (to my knowledge, not an Air Supply fan) casually noted his problem with Christmas music is that it’s all the same.

That got me thinking—when was the last significant contribution to the Christmas music genre? Was it Wham! with “Last Christmas” (1984)? You could argue in favor of The Pogues with “Fairytale of New York” (1987), but that’s not really a song you can sing in mixed company, let alone while wandering the streets (believe me, I’ve tried—it doesn’t always go over well).

Furthermore, what constitutes a Christmas “carol”? There are Christmas songs, sure, but at what point does a song officially become a carol? I suppose if enough roving groups were to sing Run D.M.C’s “Christmas in Hollis” (1991) it could technically be considered a carol.

But that’s it—15 years since the last memorable (some would say forgettable) advancement in the field of Christmas music. Everybody else just sings the same things over and over; though they might tweak it a little, like the MacKenzie Brothers’ version of “Twelve Days of Christmas” (1981). Beauty, eh?

So there you have it—I herby challenge the contemporary musicians of the world to develop a decent new Christmas song. Not a holiday song, or Kwanzaa carol, or quirky Hanukkah/Chanukkah tune, but a solid Christmas song. We need something new and sing-able, with staying power; anything to replace those goddamn Chipmunks in the Christmas song rotation. And what’s the deal with “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”—am I the only one who finds that song to be unbelievably creepy?
Merry Christmas.

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