The Historical Point of View - 206
New York/Philadelphia/ Boston Metro
October 26, 2006

 

Throughout my college career I endured a fair amount of ridicule over being a history major. My friends would ask, “What the hell is anybody gonna do with a history degree?”

Turns out they were right; while they’re out making the big bucks with their engineering degrees and IT jobs, I’m stuck schleppin’ pints in a neighborhood pub and writing angry columns for the newspaper. But recent events have made it more and more obvious that there is in fact a burgeoning market, if not an overwhelming need for history majors out there. If contemporary politicians and policy makers had just one history-major consultant on staff, perhaps they could have avoided some of the boners, blunders, goofs, gaffes, foul-ups and failures littering the trails of our so-called leaders.

For example, even a C+ history student could clue them in on the fact that:

-Historically, the inappropriate sexual advances of a politician towards an underling--intern or page, hetero or homosexual, campy or creepy--will eventually get that politician into some trouble. Politics is nauseating enough with pants on, so spare the voting public any tawdry soap operas.

-Historically, if you’re a politician and your ability is impaired in any way, it might be a bad idea to drive. With all their money it’s befuddling the Kennedy family still hasn’t looked into hiring a decent chauffeur.

-Historically, the Southeastern portion of the Unites States tends to be prone to hurricanes, particularly between May and October. Since they have the potential to occur every year, it might be a good idea to plan for them.

-Historically, land wars in Asia tend to be difficult, even more so when there is no defined objective and/or exit strategy. One really bad idea is to allow a land war in Asia to spill across borders and undermine the stability of and entire region. Another bad idea is to seek advice on land wars in Asia from Henry Kissinger.

-Historically, declaring a Mission Accomplished before it’s over is like declaring a ship unsinkable before it sails. To do so would be a titanic mistake.

-Historically, U.S. Presidents named George Bush do a heck of a job launching wars in Iraq. Unfortunately they’re not so good at finishing them.

-Historically, an exorbitant, indiscriminant response to any insurgency only creates more insurgents. Directly engaging belligerent factions is one thing, but shooting everything in sight is another. Just ask the Redcoats how that Boston Massacre worked out for them.

-Historically, assertive diplomacy can avoid a potentially major conflict. Even a hawk like Nixon took the time to talk to China and they haven’t nuked anybody yet.

-Historically, great societies fall when their greed and arrogance undermine their defining principles. With life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness taking a backseat to war, domestic spying and outsourcing, the American dream is in danger of becoming, well, history.

-Historically, nobody ever listens to history majors. They’re basically useless except for superficial observations of civilization’s big steaming piles of oops that could easily have been side stepped. Nevertheless, should you need to find one simply head down to your local bar--most of them can’t find a better-paying job anywhere else.

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